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August 29 Vets Bills A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too." The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too." The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests." December 17 AdultitisWhat is Adultitis?
Adultitis is a common condition occurring in people between the ages of 21–121, marked by chronic dullness, mild depression, moderate to extremely high stress levels, a general fear of change, and, in some extreme cases, the inability to smile. Patients can appear aimless, discontent, and anxious about many things. Onset can be accelerated by an excess burden of bills, overwhelming responsibilities, or a boring work life. Generally, individuals in this condition are not fun to be around. How many people have Adultitis? Unfortunately, because it often goes undiagnosed, there is no way to tell how many people are currently living with Adultitis. If we had to put a number on it, based on our current research, we'd have to say... a lot. It's certainly an epidemic. So whatever number it takes to qualify as an epidemic, multiply that by at least three. In comparison, Adultitis makes the Black Death plague of 1347 look like a trip to Disneyland. Who discovered Adultitis? Although Adultitis has been around for centuries, it has only recently been discovered and named by Jason Kotecki. The first breakthrough came when he made the peculiar observation that children rarely complain about being stressed and seem to enjoy life way more than grown-ups. Further research unveiled that the average four-year-old laughs over 400 times a day, while the average adult laughs just 15 times per day. At that point, Kotecki realized that he was one the verge of something big. He found that this discrepancy between children and grown-ups was not caused simply by a decrease in exposure to Saturday morning cartoons and knock-knock jokes, but by a real, debilitating disease he ultimately dubbed Adultitis. Is Adultitis lethal? What are the effects of Adultitis? Yes, Adultitis can kill you. Adultitis causes stress -- lots of it. And stress has been linked to all of the things that kill us, from heart attacks to cirrhosis, suicide to accidents. In fact, 75% of all of our doctor visits are stress-related. People who are relatively Adultitis-free tend to live much longer, enjoy life much more, and are less likely to have co-workers and family members go out of their way to avoid them. Adultitis not only causes stress, but it can be responsible for a loss of vitality, sleeplessness, anxiety, and in some extreme cases, the complete inability to smile. Obviously, it's a force to be reckoned with. How does a person contract Adultitis? There are many different ways in which a person can contract Adultitis. Here are a few known ways:
So Enjoy Your Dreams If/Whilst You Can............OK Ow and have a great christmas all... And Dont Get Adultitis ~ Get Better Each Year : ) December 12 Satan's TemptationsSATAN'S TEMPTATIONS
In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums. And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said "Yes!" And Woman said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.
And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.
And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. So God said "Try my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them".
And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter. And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with potassium and good nutrition.
Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt. And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his Children might lose those extra pounds.
And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.
Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.
And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger. Then Satan said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em". And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.
And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health Service.
THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word on nutrition and health.:
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us. 5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
November 16 The Perfect QuarterbackThe Perfect Quarterback The coach had put together the perfect team for the New Orleans Saints. The only thing missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl victory. Then one night, while watching FOX News, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a window from 80 yards away. Then he threw another from 50 yards down a chimney, and then hit a passing car going 80 miles per hour. I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings the young Afghan to the United States and teaches him the great game of football ....... and sure enough the Saints go on to win the Super Bowl. The young Afghan is hailed as a hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants to do is call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!" "I don't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You deserted us. You are not my son!" "Mother, I don't think you understand," pleads the son, "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world!" "No! Let me tell you," his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses then tearfully says, " I will never forgive you for making us move to New Orleans!" October 13 Ban Of "PUBLIC" SmokingHEAR WE GO.They sell em,but it took em years to identify the health risk.So they justify that by putting a "public" warning on the container.Now there are discussion's to BAN Smoking(tobacco)in public........HA
Feel BIG BROTHER's Hear !
Butttttttttt,Where is the English goverment going to get the TAX from if everyone stop's/dose'nt smoke ?
More TAX on somthing else hey that the none smoker use's(petrol,electric ?)
It's got to come from some sorce that the majority consume
ALCOHOL Ha
Wonder when they will be putting the "public health"WARNING" on that
HA HA HA October 11 Squirrels ! HummmSquirrels in south London could have become addicted to crack cocaine, say residents of Brixton, who suggest the rodents have dug up drugs buried by dealers or nibbled residues of crack on pipes and vials discarded by addicts. July 27 ChuttersChoiceSo you have the 35 years of a smoker,however not in filter tip ciggerett's,that more of a "chemical" issue!,with hundreds of goodness know's what included within the tobbacco.The choice is yours.One day you will not be alowed anywhere with that "thing" inbetween you fingers,burning and eating your body,you have one of those......the choice is your's..
END. July 26 Talking about appointment
Quote Didnot go,however did contact via phone.This is because when your nicotine intake drop's one of the side effects is tiredness(so I was told)So i'm in the position of smoking a small ammount and I just have to set the END date and slam the paches on.I do hope this has helped other people in simlar position's.It's more difficult than you think as its part of your lifestyle...nasty habbit yukkk. appointment July 11 After mealsWell today Im,changing my habits regarding "smoking".Normaly after a meal or snack a smoker always reaches for his "reward" of a cig....So now I wait until I forget..It's a type of selfcontrole situation and guess what,It works. July 10 Quitting the cigI have been smoking for 35 years too long.The time has come to quit this stupid habbit.When I was young the majority of people smoked,it was fashionable.But nowerdays,as well as all the advertising and re-education,I find it is affecting my breathing,especially in the evening's.So if anyone reading this think's its "big"to even start,please dont,its even harder too stop.
I have tried all the nicotine replacement theropy(NRT) going and it has not helped myself,sooo its down to good old fashioned willpower.To date over a four week period I have managed to half my consumption,and still taking it one day at a time.I think the only way is too just through the stuff in the rubbish bin where it belongs,when I feel the time is right,I will just wake up one morning(in the not too distant future) and "coldturky"  |
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