Scoob's p.a.c.e.

Adultitis is a common condition occurring in people between the ages of 21–121, marked by chronic dullness, mild depression, moderate to extremely high stress levels, a general fear of change, and, in some extreme cases, the inability to smile. Patients can appear aimless, discontent, and anxious about many things. Onset can be accelerated by an excess burden of bills, overwhelming responsibilities, or a boring work life. Generally, individuals in this condition are not fun to be around.

How many people have Adultitis?
Unfortunately, because it often goes undiagnosed, there is no way to tell how many people are currently living with Adultitis. If we had to put a number on it, based on our current research, we'd have to say... a lot. It's certainly an epidemic. So whatever number it takes to qualify as an epidemic, multiply that by at least three. In comparison, Adultitis makes the Black Death plague of 1347 look like a trip to Disneyland.

Who discovered Adultitis?
Although Adultitis has been around for centuries, it has only recently been discovered and named by Jason Kotecki. The first breakthrough came when he made the peculiar observation that children rarely complain about being stressed and seem to enjoy life way more than grown-ups. Further research unveiled that the average four-year-old laughs over 400 times a day, while the average adult laughs just 15 times per day. At that point, Kotecki realized that he was one the verge of something big. He found that this discrepancy between children and grown-ups was not caused simply by a decrease in exposure to Saturday morning cartoons and knock-knock jokes, but by a real, debilitating disease he ultimately dubbed Adultitis.

Is Adultitis lethal? What are the effects of Adultitis?
Yes, Adultitis can kill you. Adultitis causes stress -- lots of it. And stress has been linked to all of the things that kill us, from heart attacks to cirrhosis, suicide to accidents. In fact, 75% of all of our doctor visits are stress-related. People who are relatively Adultitis-free tend to live much longer, enjoy life much more, and are less likely to have co-workers and family members go out of their way to avoid them. Adultitis not only causes stress, but it can be responsible for a loss of vitality, sleeplessness, anxiety, and in some extreme cases, the complete inability to smile. Obviously, it's a force to be reckoned with.

How does a person contract Adultitis?
There are many different ways in which a person can contract Adultitis. Here are a few known ways:

SATAN'S TEMPTATIONS

 

In the beginning God covered the earth with broccoli, cauliflower and

spinach, with green, yellow and red vegetables of all kinds so Man and 

Woman would live long and healthy lives.

 

Then using God's bountiful gifts, Satan created Dairy Ice Cream and Magnums.

And Satan said "You want hot fudge with that? And Man said  "Yes!" And Woman

said "I'll have one too with chocolate chips". And lo they gained 10 pounds.

 

And God created the healthy yoghurt that Woman might keep the figure that

Man found so fair.

 

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane

and combined them. And Woman went from size 12 to size 14. So God said "Try

my fresh green salad". And Satan presented Blue Cheese dressing and garlic

croutons on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the

repast.

 

God then said "I have sent you healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to

cook them".

 

And Satan brought forth deep fried coconut king prawns, butter-dipped

lobster chunks and chicken fried steak, so big it needed its own platter.

And Man's cholesterol went through the roof.

 

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with

potassium and good nutrition.

 

Then Satan peeled off the healthy skin and sliced the starchy centre into

chips and deep fried them in animal fats adding copious quantities of salt.

And Man put on more pounds. God then brought forth running shoes so that his

Children might lose those extra pounds.

 

And Satan came forth with a cable TV with remote control so Man would not

have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried

before the flickering light and started wearing stretch jogging suits.

 

Then God gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still

satisfy his appetite.

 

And Satan created McDonalds and the 99p double cheeseburger.   Then Satan

said "You want fries with that?" and Man replied "Yes, And super size 'em".

And Satan said "It is good." And Man and Woman went into cardiac arrest.

 

God sighed ......... and created quadruple by-pass surgery.

 

And then ............ Satan chuckled and created the National Health

Service.

 

THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION

After an exhaustive review of the research literature, here's the final word

on nutrition and health.:

 

1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer

heart attacks than us.

 

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what

kills you.